Review: The Hot Bite (♦½)

Consider the cow. Back around the time of Moses someone in Egyptian royalty - or one of their slaves - decided to squeeze those odd-looking things underneath a sow. Then they decided to drink what came out.

Fast forward several thousand years in the evolution of human thought and we now know milk is a horrific health hazard, thanks to the animal-loving folks at PETA who showed off their wisdom with their “Got Beer?” ads. They’re also snitty about harvesting heifers for beef and leather, but soybeans and polyester don’t have the same buzz factor.

For most of the rest of us, the health hazards of milk are less about its pasteurized state than the many things man creates with it. Like Reddi-whip, especially when inhaled with propellants from the can. Or Tombstone pizza, one of those brand names that makes you think the marketing staff was partaking propellants.

Or milkshakes.

This is, according to word-of-mouth, the best use of bovines at The Hot Bite fast-food shack in Auke Bay. For years a few among us have stopped by occasionally for a shake and it seems to be the first thing others mention when asked for an opinion, but phrases like “slow,” “expensive” and “nothing great” are remarkably consistent when seeking recommendations about everything else.

Not that this place couldn’t be a tucked-away grease spot of Heaven for boaters coming off the water and it wouldn’t take that much effort. But sometime those final little touches are the hardest to master consistently and it seems like The Hot Bite’s had the same problems too long to hope for an easy fix. When cheeseburgers are $9, consistently overcooked and don’t even come with fries, that’s a problem. Those prices became even harder to swallow when they forgot items we ordered both times we tried takeout.

There might not have been a bigger disappointment than the halibut and chips ($12 for four pieces, $14 for five), where the supposedly fresh-caught fish was deep fried much too dry and coated with batter possessing little character. The pieces are nuggets larger than those chicken things at McD’s, but feel skimpy. When one starts having fond memories of The Broiler, decent as the fried fish is there, it’s a bad sign. Luckily the fries - from a freezer bag of decent-size wedges with the skins on - were cooked nicely and not over salted or seasoned. They cost $1.50-$2.50 as an a la carte side to a burger.

A better fate for the halibut (ours, not theirs) was the grilled fillet sandwich ($13), correctly cooked and paired with decent tomatoes, real lettuce and a sauce that didn’t overwhelm the mild fish. A better flavor and texture combination was the halibut cheeks sandwich ($13), served with a cucumber-wasabi dressing, but, alas, those flavorful, chewy cheeks were cooked a bit too tough.

If only mild overcooking were the worst sin of the halibut chowder ($5). But this supposedly homemade soup tastes like it came from a commercial mix where the main additions to the artificially thick base seemed to be somewhat dry chunks of fish and an unwelcome extra dash of salt. They also offered the chowder with crab during one of our takeout visits, but all we found in our bag later was we’d paid $5 for something we didn’t receive.

Sandwiches and burgers are served on a “grilled locally made bun,” but they’re soft white rolls with no distinct characteristics not found in the package kind. They remain soft after getting only a light touch on the grill, except that during one of our visits the bottoms of our buns were slightly stale.

The showpiece mound of meat at The Hot Bite is the Big Bite Buffalo burger ($13), an eight-ounce patty cooked, in theory, medium rare unless specified otherwise (they don’t ask with the regular burgers). One time ours was cooked more medium to medium well, but the bigger problem was the meat didn’t have enough of the richer, sweeter flavor to make it worth extra expense above its more common cousin.

The regular burgers ($8, or $9 with cheese) are one-third pounders of ground Angus, a classification that doesn’t necessarily mean anything despite hype that only 8 percent of U.S. beef is tender and flavorful enough to qualify. Try the pre-cooked frozen patties available in local grocery store freezers if you need proof. Those at The Hot Bite are an appreciable step above fast food and other restaurants relying on those ubiquitous quarter-pound frozen discs, but no substitute for anyone who knows how to pat quality ground chuck into the proper shape and grill it. They’d get credit for not drowning the burgers in sauce - allowing diners to decide if the light spreading is enough - if it didn’t cost 50 cents extra to get more. They also ought to add a second slice of cheese on the milder burgers like cheddar and swiss, although those who like the stronger flavor of bleu will find it well balanced here. Adding bacon or grilled mushrooms and onions is an extra $3, which means one may be paying $20 by the time a side and drink are added.

Most of the burgers travel well, but a disaster was the Bavarian reuben burger, where the sauerkraut did nothing to counter the sweetness of the sauce and everything to cause the bun to disintegrate into a drenched mess. Takeout is also not recommended for many of the sandwiches made with grilled chicken breasts (again, the slightly processed-feeling kind found in Costco freezers), where some of the more creative toppings are offered. The Thai peanut chicken sandwich ($9.75) has a nice bit of biteback, as does the chicken Tex ($9.75) with its chiles, guacamole and other appropriate fixings (by the way, is there a reason guacamole isn’t a listed add-on for the burgers?).

Oddly, the best sandwich might have been the lone vegetarian offering — a portabella mushroom burger ($9.25) stuffed with red pepper and sun-dried tomato cream cheese. One really has to like mushrooms to enjoy this, obviously — it’s not trying to fake out beef eaters like a Boca burger — but it’s messy and juicy without being excessively so, just like a good burger should be.

A half-pound basket of onion rings ($3.75) make for a tastier side than the fries, even if they’re the freezer-bag kind, arriving crisp and with distinct sweetness from the onions and a mild bit of spice from the coating. They also sell homemade coleslaw for $1.50, but we can’t report on it, since that was one of the items they forgot when we tried takeout.

Now, about those milkshakes.

First, it’s worth noting they actually include the “milk” part. A lot of fast food places call them “shakes” for a reason: they’re made from the same sort of cheap artificial crud as Cool Whip and other dairy wannabees. Even better, The Hot Bite even uses real vanilla ice cream as the base for its more than 30 flavors, even if it’s cheap brand stuff instead of something with a high pure vanilla and butterfat content like Haagen-Das.

Flavors run the range from fruity to candy bars, with everything ground up finely enough to get through a straw (a good thing for some people, less so for others). There’s a nice creaminess to them and the fruit options like blackberry or fresh bananas aren’t overly sweet, a definite plus. Getting them with Snickers bars is every bit the trashy experience they ought to be.

Still, we’re talking a good, not great shake, and at $5 for an ordinary size one this doesn’t feel like something worth making a special trip for. It might be a nice way to recharge after a hike out the road, but it’s not like it’s that much further to competitors like The Udder Culture.

On the other hand, The Hot Bite is a reasonably pleasant hangout spot if you can get one of the seven small tables (a minivan of kids might fill half of them). The view of the harbor is a little blocked - sort of like a wing seat on a plane - but the wood panel/red paint decor is bright and cheerful. They even do lattes ($2.50 small, $3 large), but don’t come in expecting to surf the Net on your laptop. The best entertainment is hoping someone just off a boat has a good fish tale at the next table.

We’ve only tried a couple of places heavy on burgers since starting these reviews and The Hot Bite is the best of them when judged purely by their beef, but that’s saying very little given what’s been a mediocre experience at best elsewhere. If The Hot Bite knocked a couple bucks off their prices, or least started including fries, this would get a stronger recommendation — and if they’d get their cooking consistent and in order it’d have a real chance of standing out in a town where good pickings are slim.