Review: The Broiler (♦)

It’s not like expectations were high. Truth is, we were here partially as an inside joke involving a member of the crew.

Even so, while some of our one-word opinions of The Broiler were as family friendly as the Nugget Mall eatery itself, they still rate as hardcore culinary profanity. Since one of us likened the evening to a religious experience, even if it was the Last Supper, we’ll skip them here. Besides, on the way out one night we passed a guy planning to set up camp in the dining room - and he wasn’t even a transient.

None of us knew much about the place even though it’s been around a long time, but “the mood” was right for at least some of us as we mulled a handful of choices. The menu is heavy on various plates of protein and starch, from fish and chips to steak and baked potatoes. The lower end of the food chain is the way to go for the most part, not necessarily because the results are better, but it’s easier to satisfy the expectations and cravings of someone with a $9 burger fix than a person ordering a $23 steak.

There were decent crowds during our visits, but plenty of open tables, with a mixed crowd of older couples and families. Bringing kids here as a reward for putting up with a trip to the fabric store might make sense, but it’s hardly the place for a romantic date. The tables are close together in the two bright, but spartan dining rooms (with some chipper-looking fish on the wall apparently unmindful of their less fortunate brethren on the plates below). There isn’t much to see except a couple of stores across from the mall entrance.

A full range of unadventurous comfort foods are offered, including a few simple salads, chicken and spaghetti. The all-you-can-eat salad bar ($7) is small compared to those at the supermarkets in town, but not a terrible choice for healthy types since there’s spinach next to the iceberg lettuce and everything is mostly fresh. On the other hand, one of us thought it “looked picked over - like a horde of children attacked it.” According to our House Of Cod partaker, “the salad was like the Last Supper itself: adequate, but not really talked about much.” (Chill, ye accusers of blasphemy; this person is Catholic).

Those ordering upper-scale entries get a one-trip visit with a small plate; it’s a $2.50 add-on option for burgers and similar items. A shrimp Louie salad, one of three entree salads offered ($6 small, $10 large), had a decent number of tiny shrimp and too-crunchy croutons, but not enough variety among the vegetables to excite.

Steaks range from a $10 six-ouncer to the $23 20-ounce porterhouse, including sides. This is hardly the kind of place where one inquires if the meat is prime grade, but asking if the mashed potatoes were real or instant didn’t seem out of order. Our waitress, unremarkably pleasant on the rare occasion we saw her, said she didn’t know. The steaks were overcooked, with the worst sin being one ordered medium that arrived well-done. They rely more on seasoning than the store-quality meat for flavor, although to their credit when our waitress asked if we wanted steak sauce they had all of the brands requested, even if we got the wrong kind in one instance. “I’ve had better, I’ve had worse,” said one of our former cattle country dwellers, among the most positive comments.

The sides were a mixed bag. Mashed potatoes, apparently of the instant variety and far too heavy on salt, had quoting the Israelites’ opinion of manna from heaven in Numbers 21:5 - “There is no bread, neither is there any water, and we loathe this contemptible manna.” Baked potatoes were decent, cooked properly and served with a mini-station of basic toppings (”It kinda freaks me out,” our tater tester remarked. “Just doesn’t seem real sanitary to give the same dishes to multiple tables
throughout the night.”). Small cups of cole slaw, heavy on raisins for some reason, and mini corn muffins are unremarkable plate-fillers - they went mostly untouched.

Other dishes were also mostly below par. Pork wings ($15), described by one of us as a “compressed, reshaped and reflavored pork substitute for chicken wings” (again, our waitress didn’t know much about them), were no better than pre-cooked ribs from the store, with a sweet sauce closer to ketchup than anything with zing. It might be better on top of the cheddar and grilled onions on Dave’s Famous Barbecue Burger ($9), although a blue cheese burger at the same price was an ordinary overcooked patty on a too-large bun - toasting them with a little butter on the grill would help. The kitchen saved their light cooking touch for the slightly limp fries and jo-jos. Onion rings, a $4 side order, were cooked thoroughly, but flavorless. A four-piece fried-chicken basket ($9) was overcooked and rather salty. The two broiled chicken options involve boneless breasts topped with various sauces.

A decent option turned out to be the fried halibut, available separately or as part of the seafood platter ($17), as the puffy pieces of fish coated with just enough batter were thick enough to emerge from the deep frier perfectly cooked. On the platter, however, they only served to remind how overcooked the depressed-looking piles of shrimp (jumbo and regular-size) and clam strips were, all of which tasted of little but their salty breading.

Desserts are cakes and pies resembling those in the freezer case at Costco, plus a few sundaes. A temptation to try the latter was quashed when a root beer float arrived - a Thomas Kemper suffering the insult of being poured over soft-serve ice cream. Even so, it turned out to be a long evening, as our seldom-in-evidence waitress apparently took our half- and barely-eaten meals as signs we were still working on them.

There isn’t much chance of our making this a regular watering hole. Some of us gave them credit for a few scattered successes, but the following summary by one of us pretty much guarantees we’d be a man down on any future trips:

“I just really can’t even fathom why that business is in business. How can you mess up steak? How can you so chemically alter it that it tastes like cardboard? No, cardboard would taste better. There is nothing redeeming: The staff is not so charming, the decor is uninspiring and the tables are cramped, the food is totally marginal. I guess I would say, my root beer was good and my silverware appeared to be clean. As for taking the kids there, you are assuming they have no taste. Plus, McDs is right across the street, why pay $15 when you can pay $5 for better food?”

Still, the burly guy we passed at the cash register - apparently working a summer job on a fishing boat - seemed ready to stake out a table as his second home. Turns out he ordered the halibut.